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soil and health...

· 2 min read
Nik
Site Owner

CR, I probably should have added a few choice pieces of writing lifted off of Steve Solomon's website (www.soilandhealth.org). Here are a few to whet your appetite.  I think you'll really dig this guy: I have irradicable propensities toward independence, the expression of personal sovereignty and the exercise of liberty. Great dying words: "I do not regret the journey. We took risks; we knew we took them. Things have come out against us. Therefore we have no cause for complaint." Captain Scott's journal, written while freezing to death in the Antarctic. Only the lead dog sees new scenery. If one wanted a way to evaluate the worth of an individual, it could be done by measuring how much uncertainty a person could tolerate. Most people can't tolerate much uncertainty at all and will create things to be certain about rather than stand with one foot on a banana peel and the other firmly planted in mid-air. The apparency is, that an "open-minded" person gives every viewpoint unbiased consideration. But I've never succeeded at convincing an "open-minded" person of anything. Give me instead a person with firm opinions, anytime! I'd prefer encountering someone with firmly held views that conflict with my own. At least this person can make up their mind. Someone who can "make" their mind, can change their mind. In actuality, open-mindedness is one of two phenomena: either someone with nothing at all between the ears, so that all thoughts merely go in one earhole and out the other, or, an "open minded" person is one who gives the ideas and viewpoints of others no reality whatsoever. "Look at a man the way that he is, he only becomes worse. But look at him as if he were what he could be, and then he becomes what he should be."Goethe. All this is taken from: http://www.soilandhealth.org/05steve%27sfolder/0502wisdomofsol.html Cheers,

re. Zion, reading, and sheepdogs

· 5 min read
Nik
Site Owner

Awesome, I'm stoked to meet him.  I'm looking forward to the Zion trip, I'm going to have to break off from the Indoc course for a day or so but that shouldn't be a big deal.  I'm thinking about building an (amateur, I know) wood bed/rack for the truck until I figure out exactly what I'm going to do.  Looking forward to talking with **** both at the Games and in Zion. I haven't read "On Combat", still finishing Blood and Thunder.  It's my bedtime book, so I'm only knocking out a few pages a day.  Not sure what's up next on the reading list, probably a good travel book about a guy and his dog. The Games are upon us, so next week is major cookie making time, then a long drive up to Aromas. Also, I think I told you already, when I get back from the Games I'm going to set a date to speak with some local SD SWAT guys re. MindEx stuff; I'll talk to **** (do you know him) when I get back about squaring that away.  Very excited about that, it will open up all kinds of doors. Re. the sheepdog stuff:  I like it and understand it, and I can really see how it resonates with many of the guys we both know.  I think there's a category that's missing.  I don't see myself (along with a few other people) as a sheep, sheepdog, or wolf.  I mean, is Billy the Indian school guy a sheep?  A sheepdog?  A wolf? I'm not super interested in protecting other folks, but am very keen on being independent and ready for the wolf when he comes slipping past the wire, more with what's at hand than any specific instrument.  Is that blindness or denial?  Are you really a sheep when you don't have a gun? "if you want to be a sheepdog and walk the warrior's path, then you must make a conscious and moral decision every day to dedicate, equip and prepare yourself to thrive in that toxic, corrosive moment when the wolf comes knocking at the door."  -DG I'll tell you this; I feel more like a loosely independent feral sonofabitch that has friends in all tribes, and I'm real happy with how I live.  I've got a great wife and partner, two good dogs, and the means to always make a living within my head and my heart.  I don't feel a need to carry a gun, and I don't see the value in pinning my identification (even in a small part) on being a protector.  Maybe I've been composting my own shit too long, but I'd like to see some more gardeners, or shepherds, or wild and kind humans.  Folks without maybe the agility or natural weapons of a sheepdog or wolf, but who use their minds to do many more things than tend a flock of vegetarians.  Was Gandhi a sheep?  A sheepdog?  Hell, he was a wolf to the English, and a warrior to his core, but not in a way that fits into Grossman's categories. "But if you are authorized to carry a weapon, and you walk outside without it, just take a deep breath, and say this to yourself... "Baa." -DG Maybe he meant a weapon beyond the sense of a gun, or knife, but I don't think so.  I think this is the kind of thinking that holds us in stasis; we move neither forward nor backward.  We still have wolves and we still have bad ass sheepdogs.  It is damnably exciting to be a sheepdog (or a wolf), but it's draining too.  Even Grossman says it; you can't be a sheepdog 24/7.  Well, then who the heck are you? How do we move into a society where we don't need as many sheepdogs?  How do we create a society that is not one of sheep, or sheepdogs, but maybe something that wolves avoid...going with the animal example, why not bears?  They keep themselves to themselves, they eat just about anything they can catch, and a sane wolf stays the hell away from them. None of that is a judgment on how you live; I like what you do and I'm damn thankful for cops and soldiers; being a sheepdog is a good, honorable, difficult job where you have to make decisions every day about a line I'll hopefully never cross. I just feel that we've got a lot more discussion ahead of us before we make a 3 way split in what defines, even in a small way, a person.  I see such potential for making shepherds out of sheepdogs, something I thought of (although not by the sheep/dog/wolf definition) as a long-term goal for kyk13. Hell, re-reading that I can see maybe I'm taking it too literally (or personally).  I do want to make clear that I like sheep, sheepdogs, and even the occasional wolf, and I see a place for all of them as well as a few more animals in a good and healthy eco-system.  Looking forward to more discussion when we meet again in the flesh. Ok for now, Nik

TDI Injection pump seals

· One min read
Nik
Site Owner

Having successfully made it  through changing out the seal between the distributor cap and the injection pump a few months ago, I figured that changing out the top cover seal and the QA seal would be a snap, especially since I just got VAG COM.  Not so.  I went to scribe marks on the for the QA and scribed them on the wrong surface, so I've been hammer modding my way back to normal rpms and something close to the right injection quantity.  Still a long way to go, and I hammered the ever-loving fuck out of my hand today in the process of stopping a runaway engine. Still, I like mechaniking away on my car.  It always feels so damn good to be in control of your life.

Unselfishness

· One min read
Nik
Site Owner

Unselfishness is the bedrock of righteous living.  One must be unselfish before understanding and applying impeccability, stoicism, breathing and smell, asceticism, finite time, building blocks, and a common thread.

Seven Days to Freedom

· 13 min read
Nik
Site Owner

On a warm May morning last spring I walked out of my house in San Clemente and down the overgrown trail to Trestles's for an early surf.  I paddled out to glass and the peace that comes with a morning session.  Tuesday morning, twenty surfers.  A four foot swell coming in from the south, just above average waves in long sets, separated by 15 minutes of complete peace on the water.  To my left, towards the enormous twin breasts of the San Onofre nuclear plant, ten surfers, all but one wearing a wetsuit.  The one without a suit was well built, tan, with medium length dark hair tipped with blond from the salt and the sea. After catching a wave and paddling back out, I found myself almost next to him, perhaps five feet away.  As he turned away for a perfect left, I caught a glimpse of his back, a mass of criss-crossing scar tissue , the white lines apparent against his surfer's tan.  Jesus, I thought, what happened to him?  I saw him skim down the line, his head and shoulders rising and falling behind the crest of the wave he rode.  He was good, smooth, with the kind of movement you get from long hours on the water.  Forty minutes later both of us were still out there, and by chance, and I admit, some, I found myself next to him again.  I gave a nod.  "Nice morning."  "Yeah, not many like these, eh?"  He turned, looking for a set to roll in, and unable to contain my curiosity, I burst out.  "What happened to your back?"  He turned and looked at me.  "What do you think?" "Goddamn, looks like you fell in a thresher to me.  When'd it happen?"  The words ran away from me, and an embarrased silence filled the space between us.  "Sorry, didn't mean to be nosey."  I turned away, praying for a wave to come and let me ride off. "In the spring of '98," he began, and I turned around.  He smiled at me.  "Not many people ask." He began again.  "In the spring of '98, my girlfriend and I sold most of what we had, packed the rest, and flew to Morocco.  We went to learn Arabic, and because we were in love with the desert, and the mystery of Africa, and traveling.  We went to a language school for two months, taking class in the morning and working in the afternoon, her dying cloth and me chopping wood.  The jobs didn't pay much, but we did them more for the experience and the opportunity to learn the language than we did for money.  We've got enough."  A shy smile.  He was proud, almost arrogant, of having "enough". "After two months we decided we knew enough of the language, and the wanderlust was strong, so we bought two camels for a hundred bucks each and started to tour the country.  For six months we went everywhere we could think of, climbing high into the Atlas mountains, smoking the most amazing  hash, coming back down and lounging on the beach, haunting old cities, looking for old movie sets, talking with people. We were in the middle of a two week trip into the back country when we realized she was pregnant.  It would be our first child, and neither of us wanted anything to go wrong.  We hadn't planned for it, but it also seemed romantic to have a baby in the desert."  He blushed.  It was hard to imagine him saying "romantic". "We came in to re-supply in Fez, in the north.  As we came into the town, we realized something was wrong.  There had been some problems with the government, but neither of us had given it thought.  Fez was tense, guys in the streets with AK's, people hurrying everywhere, you didn't go outside without a purpose.  We left Fez with the rising sun, after a hot, uneasy night.  Sketchy.  We made camp a about an hour beyond town, hobbled the camels, unrolled our blankets, and built a fire.  After a long night of talking and thinking, our options were three.  One, to stay in Morrocco and continue our trip by camel.  We had three and a half months left on our visa, and we felt it was a shame to waste the time and run home as soon as we felt a little threatened.  Two, to walk back into town, hire a taxi and go straight to the airport, flying back to California the next day and damn the expense.  It was probably the wisest option, but our least favorite.  Three, if we could neither continue our trek nor fly out of the country, we would try and cross the border to Algeria and find a flight out. We decided to sleep on it, go back to town, re-assess the situation and make a decision.  Early the next morning we woke, broke camp, and by late afternoon were on the outskirts of Fez. The town was on fire.  As we got closer, we began to meet people going the direction we were coming from.  We asked them, "What's going on?" and they answered, "War.  The government's taken the town."  We turned around again and walked back to safety.  Our three options had turned to one.  We would trek to Algeria. After two weeks of dodging patrols, we crossed the range of mountains that runs down the spine of Morocco, and were days away from the border.  We took shelter outside an old goat corral and lay down to rest.  We were tired, but not beat.  Hungry, but not starving.  At that point, we were basically two kids having a bitchin' time, a little scared, but enjoying everything." "We woke to kicks and slaps, the camels screaming, and gunshots.  At first we thought we had been caught by a random government patrol, and prayed at least for some kind of legal process, a trial, anything. It was clear after a few grunts in Arabic that these weren't government, but bandits.  Hell, they were doing more or less what I'd have been doing in their shoes.  Taking advantage of the economic situation.  Looking back, I can't say I blamed them, and it ended being great karma  that we we re captured, but what happened after..." He paused.  "Well.  What happened after, eh?  They kept us for two days, and at sunrise on the third, after the morning call to prayer, we were taken to a thick wooden post planted firmly in the ground and tied bac k to back.  A line of men faced us from ten yards away, all carrying automatic rifles, AK-47's.  We were going to be shot.  Neither of us could speak." The surfer stopped talking. "Jesus", I said. He looked at me, coming back from his story.  "Not exactly a morning session kind of story, eh?" "She spoke up that day, my chick, and saved us.  She'd been reading the Koran for ages, was all into that funky religious shit, you know how some people are, searching for God, looking for something.  She found it, found it that morning, and pulled us back from the other side." "She was taking fast, stumbling over herself but at the same time very clear, and it took me a while to make the transition back to Arabic; we had been talking in English since we left Fez. I had to pay attention and translate in my head what she was saying.  Apparently there's some old fuckin' ceremony for prisoners in the desert, from the Koran or some fuckin' book, something to give them one last shot." He half smiled, and I knew right then that he was immensely proud of himself and embarrassed at the same time for whatever had happened that day in the desert. "The deal is, and you'll want to remember this if you're ever rounded up some dark African night,".  A quick smile.  "Remember to request the seven days to freedom. Or, maybe not.""The seven days bit is a lie."  A quick grimace. "You ever seen a camel up close?", he asked. "At the zoo, not close." "They're big animals, man, and stubborn.  Gotta whip 'em sometimes to get 'em to do what you want.  You use a camel whip, leather, 'bout three, four feet long, braided at one end for a handle.  Other end is a hard, two-inch wide strip." "For seven days, one man, a volunteer, can take punishment from a camel whip.  Nine lashes a day, five in the morning, four in the afternoon.  During those seven days the man may make no sound, and is allowed no food.  If, after seven days, those conditions have been satisfied, the captors are obliged to free their captives.  Nothing more."  He cleared his throat.  "Fuckers are harsh." He turned and stretched, a calculated movement.  His white scars stood out in the sun. "Sixteen days", he said. "If you make a sound, or eat, you start over.  Once you begin, you succeed. Or..."  His voice faded.  "Usually, you die." Jesus H. Christ.  Who the fuck was I talking to?  The moment seemed surreal.  The sun reflected off the water, the wind was beginning to pick up, offshore, a rarity.  I looked around.  We were surrounded by other surfers, listening to the story.  They had paddled over unnoticed as they caught bits and pieces. "You smoke pot, man?", the stranger asked.  I looked at him in dumb confusion.  "What?" "Dope, man, d'you smoke fuckin weed?"  Off balance, I answered.  "Yeah, when I can get it."  "Don't ever let those fuckers tell you dope's bad, brotha, it got me through". "Two days into it, I was delirious.  They left me tied to the post, tied my chick to another one.  She tried to help me when they whipped, but couldn't get near.  She was chained up so she could get close to me, maybe five feet away, no farther.  They fed her, talked to her, shot the shit.  It was so wild, here I was getting whaled on, and five feet away, five fuckin' feet, my girlfriend is talking about the rights of women.  Fuckin' chicks."  He smiled, and in that instant I saw everything good and noble about him.  I can't explain it, not even now with a computer screen in front of me, safe and warm in my own house, with the distant sound of waves coming through the kitchen window.  I saw a guy give a bum a hot sandwich on a cold winter night once, that guy had the same look on his face, like... redemption.  I don't know.  The stranger started talking again. "After three days I had nothing left, no food in my gut, no fat on me, no reserve.  The dope kicked in.  All the hash we'd smoked in the mountains, before she was pregnant, before the war, before we were caught, came out of what was left of me, and I was in love with mankind, man, I was high as a kite, higher than I'd ever been.  When they hit me I'd smile, and imagine my chick was just peeling skin off my back after a sunburn, me on my belly, her on top, straddling, on the beach right here, at Trestle's.  That's what got me the extra days.  On the fifth day I yelled out, "Harder, Achmed, I can't feel it."  I don't know if he understood what I said, but I felt it that day.  The seven days started over." "Four days later, the same thing.  My chick was screaming at me when she saw me open my mouth, she knew what was happening, she was watching me fade, it was bad, you know.  Right after I said it, something smart-ass again, you know, "Come on, take me to the next level", I saw her mouth open.  I couldn't hear anything, but I knew I'd fucked up.  Because." "It wasn't hurting ME, man.  I was beyond.  I was at the next level.  I couldn't feel it.  But it was her.  She was pregnant, watching me, watching her man being beaten to death, and she was so brave, women are strong, man, and she'd figured out how to get through, knowing how men are, and me, and how we like a challenge, how we all want to be tested, how we all want to be The Few.  And I was fucking it up." The guy was crying.  Right in the middle of about a hundred surfers, waves piling up, passing under us, you could see the heads bobbing up and down, we were all a part of the ocean then, a part of each other, feeling this guy's story.  It was incredible, I'll never forget it.  The sun, the cold water, the scars on his back, a light offshore breeze just rippling the water.  It was a day to surf, but we were all listening.  Mesmerized. "Seven days later I won.  They cut the straps that held me to that block of wood and I fell over like a bag of shit.  My chick was on top of me, crying, and I could feel her tears hitting my bones, I saw pieces of my skin on the ground around the post, and my blood, and the rest... I don't remember what happened until I landed in Madrid." "She did it all after that. She told me after they cut me down they just walked away. We had nothing. No camels, no food, no water. Man, I'll always hold the door for a chick, every one of them deserves, fuckers are strong. I would've lain there till the birds come, but she picked me up and tromped off to some village. Got a taxi to some dirt runway airport, sweet talking about fifty people along the way, got to Algiers, got on another plane to Madrid, called my folks, got money wired in, and I was home four days after I was cut off that post. Three years ago, that was." "Got two kids now, the one we made in the desert and one from here. Figure I'll tell 'em when they ask. Figure I'll tell anyone when they ask, you know?" He looked at me. "Jesus. What'd you do when you got back?" "Nothing really. I laid on my belly for a while." Short laugh. "Don't really do anything now. A little gardening, watch the kids. Surf. The chick supports us. Got a website for desert explorers, you know. Figured she doesn't want anyone else to get hurt like us. Great chick. The best." He turned, and I saw his back again. "Jesus." "Later, man." He lay on his board and gave three or four deep strokes as a mammoth wave rolled through. He shot by fifty surfers in twenty yards, the pack that had surrounded him. Standing up fluidly, he gave a whoop, a quick turn back, a smile. All of us watched, seeing him disappear behind a wave, riding freedom, untouched. It was a long wave, and he rode it all the way to the beach. He jumped off his board, picked it up and splashed through the shallows to the tow-headed little boy running towards him. I couldn't hear anything, he was maybe 200 yards away. A light haired woman came walking down the beach toward him, carrying another kid, a baby. I turned, and caught a wave.

Ten Days

· 13 min read
Nik
Site Owner

13 February 2001.   Journal entry: "Tomorrow we will attempt to make San Juan del Sur.  We have spent the evening talking with 'Harmony' and ' Slipaway'.  The weather reports they have given us are not good.  We are running low on food, and the wind is still high.  This moment seems very serious now, with our lives hanging in the balance.  This is why, though we do not admit it now in our time of fear, that we travel.  This search for the crystal clear snap decisions that decide our mortality.  For the moment when the words we say and actions we take matter.  This emotion is one that cannot be found at home, one that should not be found anywhere normal humans have the ability to perceive.  This is the moment before battle, before struggle.  This time smells like…VICTORY.” We didn't know it then, Jason, Bruce, and I, whether or not we would be victorious.  We were off the coast of southern Nicaragua, well into our second week of heavy wind sailing in a small boat.  We were sailing from San Diego to Virginia via the Panama Canal.  In our first month of sailing, we had only six days total of heavy wind, and those six days were downwind screamers-the boat flat, putting up a wake and making amazing time.  We had seen dolphins off the bow in the morning, glorious sunsets, seals following the boat for hours, and swordfish jumping at night.  It had been perfect. Our bodies were a deep sailor brown after thirty-five days of being on the water, and our hair was bleached blonde.  We had sailed over 1,000 miles and had safely gotten through the Gulf of Tehuantepec, where the ripping offshore wind makes the endless Pacific a barren danger zone of viciously choppy seas.  It howls in Tehuantepec, the wind screaming through at anywhere between forty and sixty knots. Boaters wait in groups for a weather window, or calm spot, when the wind dies down to around twenty.  Twenty knots is about twenty-four miles an hour.  Imagine driving down the road in a car with no windshield, doing twenty-five miles an hour.  You can't see very well, it's hard to breathe, your skin dries out, it's difficult to hear what your friends are saying. Now imagine going to the bathroom off the side, or drinking coffee, or eating.  It gets unbelievable. After three days of constantly getting thrashed by the wind and sea, we pulled into port on the far side of Tehuantepec for eighteen hours; enough time to make phone calls, stock up at the grocery stores, do laundry, and take off again.  We thought we'd sail straight to Costa Rica, an easy four day trip under the right conditions.  Under any other conditions, it becomes a matter of tenacity, hope, and survival. 05February01, Apocalypso Log Entry Strong Easterly this morning, lumpy seas.  Wind went right so we tacked to a new waypoint inshore off El Salvador.  Hoping for smoother water and may stock up on H20 in El Salvador/ Upwind sure is another ball game then downwind! 'Apocalypso' doesn't like steep chop,slamming; hard to sleep.  No one would respond on Channel 16 for weather forecast. We were 20 miles offshore, the skies were sunny but the wind was howling and the water was cold.  The Humboldt Current had dipped toward shore on its way up from Antarctica, and the water temperature had dropped to the high 50's.  The only warmth to be had was below.  "Below" was in the cabin, a space that was three and half feet high at the highest, about two feet in the bow where our head went when we slept and just under six feet of sleeping space. It was tight, two men on a large couch with walls.  It had no ventilation, and when the weather got bad we stopped washing ourselves-it was too much of a chore.  Below was warm and damp and stank.  Below was dark, and when the waves came over the cabin, water would come in and Below would get wet.  Below was the nicest place to be on the boat. On deck was where the boat was sailed.  On deck had unending wind, cold sea spray, and no protection from the Central American sun.  Jason and I were on deck at least 18 hours a day, usually more.  We stood 3 hours on, 3 hours off watches during the night, and we both stayed up during the day.  The log entry for the next day is in my handwriting this time. "2-3 foot wind swell.  Uncomfortably upwind.  Still slamming, slept 2 hours last night. Yes!!!” The next day_; "Approaching Tamarindo, Bay of Fonseca.  Hard going, no sleep for Nik or Jason, boat leaking portside at the bow, re-threaded jib sheets, still 15-20 knots on the bow.”_ We anchored at Tamarindo that night, thinking we were safe, but as soon as we had anchored, a fisherman drove up in his panga and through repeated broken English and our dictionary Spanish, told us to head up the bay for better anchorage; we were in danger.  We had been sailing for 3 days, and had 12 hours of sleep between Jason and I, with Bruce in a seasick coma below.  We did not want to move.  We cooked a salty goulash, then got our heads together.  Our anchorage was rolly, not much better than sailing, and we figured going up the bay couldn't be worse.  We pulled anchor, and three tired boys and one beat up boat headed deeper into El Salvador. As soon as we rounded the headland into the Bay of Fonseca, the wind died down, and the phosphorescence lit up our wake in an electric blue.  We rode an incoming tide into anchorage just off the Navy base in La Union, El Salvador.  We stayed on anchor for that night and the next, resupplied and got moving again. We left at 8 o’clock the evening of the 9th, on an ebb tide.  We had a gentle wind behind us through the night, warm with the smell of the earth and tinged with salt from the sea.  It took us across the border and into Nicaragua the next morning, then died.  We jumped in the water to wash off the night, got out, dried off and sat around waiting for the morning onshore breeze.  This was the sailing we remembered; calm mornings, clean bodies, the feeling of crispness, of being a new person from the day before, of having made it through another night. After 20 minutes of no wind and the boat drifting, we decided to start our tiny motor.  I was yanking away on the cord when I heard Jason yell "Breeze On, get the reef in!" I looked up to see a dark spot on the ocean heading for us, and Jason and I hurriedly dropped the sail down to our first reef.  Putting in a reef means lowering the sail and tying off the bottom end to make the sail a smaller triangle.  Sailors reef when they get more wind than the boat was designed to take with a full sail up.  From that point until I sailed into Costa Rica, we had at least one reef in. That day, the 8th of February, was the beginning of a heavyweight beating that would last a full seven days.  Those weren’t nine to five days, with Comfort reaching out warm hands to you in the evening, those were five full-on days of man pitting himself against Nature, of struggling to survive, of thinking about living every second.  Those were some of the best days of my life.  I don’t have a sense of time, or sequential events.  I have to look back to the journal I kept, as well as the boat’s log. 13February01 Journal Entry Anchored in Nicaragua, emergency line out… 35+ kts of wind.  The hardest sailing I've ever done-very tired, cold and wet….  Ho. Lee. Shit.  Anchored, thank sweet baby Jesus. Later that day…It's amazing, the wind.  It whistles and howls and screams in the shrouds.  Jason reckons it's gotten up to 40 knots.  Wish we had an anemometer.  Our nav light broke last night-maybe the bulb.  This is good time for thinking.  I don't wish for anything so much as for the wind to die down.  For a while it was burgers and fries, milkshakes, biscuits and gravy etc., but my world has devolved to one small boat in heavy wind off of Nicaragua. I remember sailing less than 100 meters off shore to avoid the seas that build beyond, of having to sail through a plume of smoke a half mile long, from a fire on the shore, and listening to Les Miserable five times in a row because I could neither leave the helm, nor wake up Jason to change the CD.  I remember thinking of my family, wondering what they were doing; glad they didn’t know the danger I was in. Every phone call or e-mail I sent back to them was full of cheerful lies.  It wasn’t until I finished my trip, and had flown back from Jamaica, that I told them how many times I saw that tall gaunt figure, Thanatos.  I remember cracked brown lips, sores from sitting in salt water, sun poisoning; little white pustules on my arms, and thick, salty hair. On the morning of February 14th, 2001, we set off for San Juan del Sur, leaving our emergency anchorage.  We had decided the night before to go for it.  The reports we had were of 70 knot gusts of wind two miles off shore, and 15 foot seas.  The only food we had left were protein shake packets, which had to mixed with water.  We had one gallon of water for three people.  We did not know how long our trip would take. When I told ‘Slipaway’ and ‘Harmony’, two other boats that had emergency anchored near us, of our shortages, they told me to come by in the morning and accept a package of food and water.  I declined.  I would do this on my own, with my own body, with my own provisions, with no outside help.  Jason and I had a bitter argument about it, but I was the Captain and the final call was mine.  We left with no help.  All three of us dressed in all our foul weather gear-Jason and I had full suits, Bruce had only a jacket. We pulled up the sail in 25 knots of wind, Bruce and I hauling in 300 feet of anchor line, fifty feet of chain, and the 20 lb anchor. Sweat dripped down the inside of our foulies, our faces were red with the rush of blood, we were pulling the boat into the wind.  We had our deep reef in, the smallest amount of sail possible without taking everything down.  Jason drove, and Bruce and I hiked out. Hiking out is hanging as much body weight as you can off the high side of the boat to help counteract the force of the wind on the sail.  As soon as we left the shelter of the anchorage, into the full 35 knot force of the wind, we were knocked down, the boat slammed on its side.  A knockdown is an awesome experience.  As in awe-inspiring that Nature can put a 2,000 lb boat on it's side with the force of her windy breath.  A knockdown means it’s time to put in another reef, but we had no more reefs to put in. We had our smallest sail up, we had 300 pounds of flesh hiking out, the only thing we could do was to point higher, or into the wind more, to lessen the pressure on the sail.  When you point too high, the sail begins to luff, or flap, as the leading edge of the sail gets wind equally on both sides.  Luffing a sail destroys it, the constant snap weakening the fibers as the wind screams past.  For the next 8 hours the sail never stopped luffing.  That day is still clear to me. The beating sun, the scattered clouds whipping overhead, the spray coming off the bow wave, the feel of the waves as they passed under the boat.  We sailed so close to shore where the ocean changes from deep water to shallow reefs that waves like watery whales would hump up under our boat.  We could easily see houses on the shore, the trees around them permanently bent under the constant overseer’s lash of the wind.  I remember incredible igneous rock formations, huge twisted arthritic fingers reaching out of the sea.  I remember the blue of the water, the white foam in streaks on top, and the icy feel of Poseidon’s touch when we dug into waves. We made it that day, made it to San Juan del Sur.  When we arrived at the harbor entrance it was 3 o'clock.  We had been sailing 8 hours, covering 20 miles of the heaviest wind we would see on the trip.  As we tacked up the harbor towards the shore, the fishermen gathered on the decks of their 60 foot boats to watch us.  As we passed them, our lean, gaunt faces peering out from under the hoods of our jackets, they screamed and whistled in admiration.  They knew the fury of the ocean.  I have never been more proud. ******** Context:  I originally wrote this piece during my first semester at college.  It was for an English class, and the professor had asked us to write about something dangerous we had done, and how it related to the character Chris McCandless in Jon Krakauer's story "Into the Wild."  Here is the final paragraph of the paper I submitted: ******** When I read about Chris McCandless and his final days, I saw in him pieces of my journey.  The freedom, the independence, the pitting of man against nature, the acceptance of your own strengths and weaknesses.  I know how McCandless felt when he died.  It is something that I have done my best to explain, and still cannot come close.  It is the feeling of being at the helm of Destiny, of steering your own course, of following your heart. It is a selfish life, not taking into account the feelings of family or friends.  Before leaving on my journey I was constantly told to stay in San Diego, to find work with my friends, it’s so much easier to surf every day, you can learn how to sail slowly, please, stay with us. I could not, as McCandless could not.  We two have shaken hands with Death, have felt those bones pressing into the flesh of our palms.  Chris McCandless could not let go.